On Poking

Way back when during football two-a-day workouts we had a brief respite from torture and the locker room talk started; "hey anybody get poked this summer?". Awkward silence. One guy volunteered rather meekly that he had once. The initiator of the conversation then went for the kill; "yeah, 3 times for me". Mummers of admiration from the crowd. We all knew what we were talking about, we didn't need a fucking FAQ to find out what poking meant, this was 1975 or some shit like that. Back then we just knew. Young people today....Get off my Lawn!

Today, it seems, things are different. There are copious amounts of literature advising us on "Poking Etiquette", "What does Poking really mean", ad-infinitum. My favorite so far is "Should you poke your mom?". My advice is No! I'm a liberal and twisted guy but hey, that's just too wrong, even for me.

The change came about sometime early this millennia (anything this millennia is early right?) when Mark Zuckerberg and crew introduced the "Poke" feature on Facebook. Zuckerberg, by the way, is now a 26 year old billionaire. Who says you can't get rich quick?

Facebook now has over 300 million users. To paraphrase "Guys and dolls", if you're over 40, or "Six" if you're not, there's a whole lot of poking going on. On Facebook that is. From here on out when I refer to poking I mean Facebook poking unless I state otherwise. I'll use the phrase "Real world poking" to describe what we meant back in 1975.

So what does poking mean? Most sources I've consulted insist it's simply a way to "nudge" a friend, say "hey I'm here". So if your brother or your mother or your boss was off in a daze you could nudge them and get their attention. But Americans have this deep and perverse hypocrisy when it comes to all things sexual. There's an enormous amount of sexual innuendo underlying the poking phenomenon. Tell me I'm wrong...and then tell me that you WOULD poke your mom. Or your boss. Or your brother. I'm sure there are some very innocent people that would and insist it's just a nudge. And there's the rare lucky guy or gal that would like to poke their boss. I love my boss but ain't no way I'm gonna poke him. We also have seen the variations "The naughty poke", "The super poke", and apparently there's even a "Gang Poke" - not quite sure how that works.

So if you still insist that poking is just an innocent nudge, get this: I found an article entitled "Facebook Poking leads to Divorce". And I get the general idea that divorce lawyers are salivating at the thought of what's to come from Facebook and the poking practice. As Arthur Fonzarelli once said "Money talks and bullshit walks", presumably meaning that to find the truth follow the money trail.

I'll share a brief personal anecdote on poking:

Friend: "Dude, stop poking my wife, it's freaking me out".
Me: "OMG I am so sorry. I didn't mean to offend you, I'll stop".
Me Offline: Worries all day that I may have harmed our friendship.
Friend: "Dude, I was just joking, lighten up".
Me: "WHEW! What a relief. I thought you were pissed".
Friend: "Oh hell no, poke away".

Now I suppose the conversation may have been a bit different had these been "Real world pokes". But in that case there wouldn't have been 3 or 4 a day. I'm not 17 anymore.

So what to do about the double entendre that is poking? In my opinion, nothing. Keep up the poking...we're not all idiots right, we can work through this issue. It'll take time and there will be some nasty repercussions. We're getting through the racism and homophobia in our society, slowly but things have come a long way since I've been alive. Well I mean since I was born, I am still alive. If you want to poke your mom or your boss or your sister do it. Totally your sister, kinky (I can think that way because I don't have a sister). If it freaks them out then stop. I would not advise 40 year old men to poke 16 year old girls even if you mean it as a nudge. That's just bound to lead to trouble. Now a 16 year old boy poking a 40 year old woman is probably going to make her day, even if she pretends to be offended. Yes there is a double standard, deal with it.

And finally, we North Americans are obsessed with sex and at the same time we're obsessed with the idea that it's "wrong". It's not wrong, it's fun. Just don't hurt anyone.