Why my Moral Compass is Guided by Asian Elephants

Paris Hilton is pleading that we stop making alcohol available to elephants. A number of reputable news sites including Fox News and the BBC have reported drunken herds of elephants stampeding through villages, drinking all the residents beer and causing havoc. Sadly, the last incident ended in tragedy when inebriated elephants stumbled into a power pole and were electrocuted. According to Paris, "The elephants get drunk all the time. It is becoming really dangerous. This isn't the first time drunken elephants have electrocuted themselves"

A few months ago I woke up in the recovery room after surgery, still trippin on the Propofol drip (which also happened to be Michael Jackson's drug of choice). I was handed a survey to fill out. The first question was "What did you like most about the procedure". I wrote "The drugs". Thinking that might be a little crass I expounded on my answer with "African Elephants are known to eat large quantities of rotting fruit in order to become intoxicated. This indicates that the desire for altered states of reality is not exclusively anthropocentric". Hey, they hand me a survey form after pumping me full of Propofol what do they expect? I think I was trying to rationalize my enjoyment of the drug by saying that if elephants do it then it must be OK. In other words my moral compass is guided by the behavior of African Elephants.

Later I wrote a Facebook post about my experience with this but while I was doing some fact checking, as all Facebookers do, I came across a study in the journal of Physiological and Biochemical Zoology that gave me pause. Steve Morris, a biologist at the University of Bristol in England says that his study shows that this is a myth. According to Dr. Morris the fruit in question is from the marula tree (it's like a mango) and the elephants eat it as soon as it becomes ripe, they eat it right from the branches. The elephants ignore rotting marula fruits laying on the ground, if there are any. After all who wants to eat rotten fruit when there is fresh newly ripe fruit right in front of their face? Any fruit laying on the ground is quickly picked up by scavengers. So the true believers of elephant binge drinking came up with an alternative hypothesis. The fruit actually ferments inside the elephant turning to alcohol inside the animals gut. Morris says this is extremely unlikely because the fruit will pass through the elephants system in less than 46 hours which would not be enough time to ferment, especially in the highly acidic environment of the elephants gut.According to Dr. Morris an elephant would have to eat over 1400 well fermented fruits to even start to catch a buzz. "People just want to believe in drunken elephants", says Morris.

So who's right, the socialite Paris Hilton or the scientist Steve Morris? Well it turns out it's not that simple. Dr. Morris's study refers to African elephants while Ms. Hilton is concerned about Asian elephants. Although I'm not entirely convinced Paris knows these are two different continents she does have the BBC on her side. Not to mention Fox news. No really, please just don't mention Fox News.

The numerous reports of drunken gangs of elephants stampeding through villages and drinking all the beer (and sometimes getting electrocuted in the process) all involve Asian elephants in India drinking rice beer. So the study published in the journal of Physiological and Biochemical Zoology does not address Ms. Hilton's elephant drinking buddies at all. I have searched high and low on the Information Superhighway and have not been able to find anything contradicting the stories of Indian Elephants going on rampages after consuming large quantities of rice beer made by local villagers. Some have tried to argue that the elephants are causing havoc because they're mad that humans are encroaching on their habitat, killing their children and chopping off their tusks. Yeah right, which sounds more plausible, that, or the fact that they get a little wild when they've had too much to drink?

And guys, really guys, who would you rather party with, Paris Hilton and a bunch of rowdy beer drinking elephants or Dr. Steve Morris who hangs with a bunch of fruit eating sobersides? Sorry Dr. Morris, but I gotta go with Paris on this one. I'm sure your elephants are just trying to get enough fiber for a healthy diet. And they must need that fiber too, if it takes them 46 hours to pass fruit.

So a slight correction is in order. My moral compass is guided by the behavior of ASIAN elephants. Just watch out for those power poles.